Christian Marriage Sexual Problems
Is There A Problem?
Before someone can overcome a problem, first they need to admit there is a problem. With the Holy Spirit helping Christian married couples live together, one would think the divorce rate of Christians would be much lower than that of non-Christians.
And yet statistics indicate that Christian divorce rates are higher than non-Christian divorce rates. Are these high Christian divorce rates related to porn and arguments between husbands and wives and other sexual issues within Christian marriages?
Recently I was listening to Dr. Dobson interview Dr. Gary Smalley on the radio. Dr. Dobson asked Dr. Smalley how Christian marriages are doing. Dr. Smalley said that Christian married couples are doing well except that in the area of sex, Dr. Smalley said Christian marriages are "frozen".
Are Your Marriage Sexual Problems Really Your Problems?
Why are divorce rates so high in Christian marriages? Why have I heard Pastors say that 80 percent of Christian men struggle with looking at porn? Why have I heard that in Christian America, 75 percent of all books sold are romance novels? Why did I hear a Christian marriage seminar speaker say that 75 percent of married Christian men masturbate regularly in secret? Why did I hear a Christian marriage seminar speaker say that all Christian married men have skeletons in their closets and that the men should not tell their wives about the skeletons because they can't handle it. Why did I hear the Christian Psychologist Harold Sala once say on his radio show "Guidelines For Living" that he wished Christian leaders would recognize that we are sexual creatures? Why would Dr. Gary Smalley refer to Christian marriages as "frozen" in the area of sex?
God Is A God Of Solutions
God wants Christian leaders to provide practical solutions to marriage sexual problems. Matthew 7:9-10, teaches, “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?”
God wants to reduce Christian divorce rates. God wants Christian marriages to have happy vibrant romance and sex lives.
The Foundation For A Happy Marriage
The key to life is a belief that God rewards and blesses those who seek Him. Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith no one can please God. We must believe that God is real and that he rewards everyone who searches for him." (CEV)
We suggest married couples practice love and humility and a relationship with God in their marriage. There is no substitute for a good relationship with God through Jesus Christ. And there are so many things to learn about marriage and how to communicate with your spouse. There are many good Christian books on marriage and we suggest married couples read them.
What Is Permissible In The Marriage Bedroom?
One problem in Christian marriages is that sometimes, husbands and wives do not agree on what is permissible in marriage in the area of sexual matters. It is very important that husbands and wives agree on as many things as possible. Amos 3:3 says, "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Reading the writings at www.MarriageRomance.com can help Christian married couples know what God through the Bible permits in marriage and also help married couples know what other married couples do.
What is permissible in the bedroom with regard to sexual matters? There are several Biblical principles that we should consider.
One is found in Hebrews 13:4a where it says, "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled." This verse teaches that what a husband and wife do in the bedroom is "undefiled" or not sinful.
Another Biblical principle for married couples living under Gods grace is found in 1 Corinthians 6:12, where Paul says, "Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything." So God gives married couples great freedom in the bedroom, however the married couple should use the freedom wisely to discover what helps their marriage.
Another Biblical principle that is important is that God hates sin (Heb 1:9) and so we as Christians should hate sin too. And so we should avoid stories, movies and videos that promote or condone sinful conduct such as cheating on your spouse, homosexuality, incest, sex before marriage and bestiality.
Another Biblical principle found in Exodus 20:17 and Matthew 5:28, is that we should not covet to have sex with someone who is not our spouse. Coveting is when we want something so much that it interferes with our relationship with God and with others.
Another concept is that we should not love the world or the things of the world and the pride of life (1 John 2:15). And so we should not be obsessed with anything including sex. Instead everything we do should be for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). In the marriage bedroom this would mean the reason a husband and wife engage in the mutual pleasure of sex is to have children and also so they can feel closer together and be happier and be more emotionally stable so they can better serve God and minister to each other and their family and others.
A good way to measure whether we are obsessed with something is to look at how much time we spend doing it. Most married couples will find they spend very little time on sex as compared to how much time they spend on the other things of the world and the pride of life, such as keeping up the nice house, washing the car, watching TV, watching and playing sports, enjoying the outdoors, eating etc.
And finally the Bible teaches that we should not do anything with our spouse that is illegal (Hebrews 13:17) or that would harm our spouse (Ephesians 5:28).
Married Couples Should Agree On What They Do
In 1 Corinthians 7 verses 3 and 4, Paul also says that, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." Because the husband and wife both share the responsibility and control of each other's body it is very important that they both agree on the things they do together.
If a husband and wife no not agree on something, then they should search the Bible to see if God does not condemn what the one spouse wants to do. If the Bible does not condemn what the one spouse wants to do, then the other spouse, out of love, should be willing to try what is "permissible" and see if it is "profitable" for their marriage.
Humans Tend To Experience The Emotions Of Those Around Them
We believe God has a powerful solution in the Bible for Christian marriage sex problems. This powerful solution for marriage sex problems is made possible because of one human phenomena. The phenomena is that people tend to take on the emotions of people around them.
This human phenomena of taking on the emotions of others is encouraged in the Bible where Paul says in Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
When we feel the emotions of others this shows we care about them. The more we care about someone the more we share their emotions. Consequently a movie director spends much time and money developing the characters in a movie so that the audience begins to identify and care about the people in the story. And by the end of the movie, if the director is successful, the audience shares the emotions of characters in the story.
We can better understand this human phenomena if we examine our own emotions. Fear is an emotion. Anger is an emotion. Joy or happiness is an emotion. Sexual desire or sexual arousal and hunger can also be considered emotions because we can not control them. Emotions are not sin. God does not condemn people for having emotions.
Have you ever watched a movie with danger and experienced fear? If you watch a scary movie like "The Fugitive" you may sweat and experience fear. Or have you ever watched a movie where someone was mistreated? You may have experienced anger. Or have you ever watched a touching movie like the "The Sound Of Music" and experienced an increase in your emotion of "joy" and happiness? Or have you ever watched someone eating a delicious meal and experienced an increase in your emotion of hunger?
In a similar way, when we watch a movie or read a story with "sexual activity" we tend to experience an increase in our emotion of passion or "sexual desire".
God Does Not Condemn Emotions
Interestingly God does not condemn us for "taking on" the emotions or experiencing an increase in "sexual desire" (becoming sexually aroused) when reading about or seeing sexual activity. Like fear and anger this is a natural phenomena which is not sin and is not condemned by God.
If we read Song of Solomon in the Bible we discover that God does not condemn the sharing of sexual experiences. On the contrary the authors of Song Of Solomon share their sexual relationship with others. So much so that the authors of Song Of Solomon not only share their descriptions of each other's bodies and intimate love experiences with us who read the book, but also the book itself is a dialog between the two lovers who share their descriptions of each other's bodies and of their lovemaking experiences with their friends who respond to them with praise and with intimate comments and questions.
For example in Song Of Solomon chapter 1 verse 4 when the young woman says she is being taken into the bedroom of the king, the friends say in chapter 1 verse 4b, "We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine." How many of us would tell our friends as they walk into the bedroom to make love, that we delight in their love for each other?
Or how many of us would ask our friends "What makes your husband a better lover as compared to other men?" In Song of Solomon chapter 5 verse 9 the friends ask this question when they say, "How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?" In the verses to follow the young woman describes her lover's body.
When we read Song Of Solomon there is no question that it contains descriptions of nudity and sexual activity. Bible scholars tell us that the original Hebrew text was far more erotic as compared to our English translation. Much of the meaning of the sexual terms used in the book has been lost; as the Hebrew language has changed over the past thousands of years since it was written. However this example in the Bible shows that God does not condemn us when we share our romance and sexual experiences with others, and in fact God condones it enough to put a sample in the Bible.
Can Married Couples Watch Videos With Nudity?
MarriageRomance.com is a web site where Christian married couples share marriage romance and love stories and experiences. They have found that reading stories helps the wife more than the husband. Women seem to have more vivid imaginations, where men need more visual help to become aroused. Sometimes it is the husband that needs the most help in becoming aroused.
Married couples can feel the freedom in Christ to use the most effective moral resources available to add passion to their marriages.
But what about introducing moral videos with nudity and sex scenes into the marriage bed? Doesn't this cause "lust" which is a sin? Some have incorrectly referred to the emotion of "sexual desire" as "lust". The correct meaning of the word "lust" as it appears in some translations of Matthew 5:28, is "to covet". Coveting is not an emotion; it is an act of the will. Coveting is wanting something, that is not yours, so much that it interferes with your relationship with others and with God.
When a husband and wife watch a moral erotic video and they become sexually aroused this is not "lust" in the sense of "coveting". Instead the couple are experiencing an increase in their emotion of passion or "sexual desire" and when they direct their passion to each other this helps them have a more fulfilled sex life and stronger bonds of intimacy.
In the Bible there is only one recorded situation of public sex. This took place when God punished King David for committing adultery and murder. In 2 Samuel 12 verse 11b, God said, "Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight." Later we discover Absalom has sex with his father's wives and concubines in public.
While this was a tragic event, we can all agree that it was not sin to see Absalom having sex with David's wives and concubines. God caused the people to watch and the Bible teaches that God does not tempt people to sin (James 1:13) .
Just as God in 2 Samuel 12: 11b-12, used a public display of immoral sex as a way to embarrass and punish King David, we believe God can be honored when married couples use a private display of moral sex on video to help their love life. As long as the married couple uses the moral erotic videos in moderation and as long as the videos do not cause one of the spouses to covet sex outside of marriage, then the married couple may decide videos are helpful in their marriage.
So now lets discuss other problems in Christian marriages that can be helped once a Christian married couple realizes they can use moral erotic materials in the marriage to help their love life.
Porn And Romance Novels?
A problem in many Christian marriages is that husbands are tempted to look at porn in secret and wives are tempted to watch soap operas and TV and read romance novels. We believe Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7 3-5 that the husband and wife should save all their sexual energy for each other unless one spouses tells the other to do otherwise for the sake of the marriage relationship.
And so the Biblical solution is for the husband and wife to both commit to each other, to save all their sexual energy for each other. This would mean the husband would not look at porn and the wife would not watch soap operas and read romance novels.
Many anger problems in marriages are related to guilt. Others are related to not being able to agree on things. If a husband and wife are both willing to save their sexual energy for each other, knowing they will be having a fun time together, this will give them both a clear conscience and will help them not be angry with each other.
And then instead of the husband and wife each doing their own thing, the husband and wife would find fun romantic and sexually exciting things to do together. They can read stories from MarriageRomance.com together or write their own story to submit to MarriageRomance.com or they can watch moral erotic videos together. We believe that if husbands could look forward to watching a video with their wife on Friday night, that they would have self-control during the week to not look at porn.
Sex Synchronization
One problem in some marriages can be referred to as "sex synchronization". This is when one spouse (typically the husband) wants sex more often than the other spouse. Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7 3-5 that it is important for a husband and wife to fulfill each others sexual desires.
In 1 Corinthians 7 verse 5, Paul says, “Do not deprive each other (of sex) except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Paul teaches a married couple should "not deprive each other" of sex. So it is important for married couples to meet each others sexual needs and desires. Notice Paul warns that if a married person does not fulfill the sexual needs of their spouse, the spouse will be tempted to find other ways to meet their sexual needs.
How often should a married couple have sex? From my own experience and from what I once heard Dr. Harold Sala say on his radio show "Guidelines For Living", the husband needs sex at least once every three days. Beyond three days the male testosterone hormone level may rise and cause the husband to be irritable or feel insecure or argumentative or depressed or susceptible to being easily turned on by other women.
What do you do when your spouse wants sex and you are not in the mood? What do you do when this goes on for several days?
When a couple needs to be intimate and yet one spouse is not in the mood, we suggest the husband and wife find ways to help each other become aroused. They might read together some love stories from MarriageRomance.com or listen to them together.
Problems Becoming Aroused
Another problem in marriages is that as married couples get older many times it becomes more difficult for them to become sexually excited and turned on. There is no drug available that can create the emotions necessary for sexual arousal. Drugs like Viagra simply relax the muscle that keeps blood from filling up the male organ. But the drugs do not cause the man to become sexual excited. So the couple relies on friction for orgasm which can cause soreness especially in older women.
Again a simple solution is for the husband and wife to read a few stories together. These will cause both the husband and wife to naturally become sexually excited without drugs.
Can We Learn From Martin Luther?
Martin Luther was a German monk who noticed the Bible allowed monks to marry even though the Catholic church forbid monks to marry. Martin Luther noticed that because monks were forbidden from marrying this caused many of them to seek sexual gratification in other places which were immoral by the standards in the Bible.
In 1546, Luther nailed a copy of his "95 Theses" or complaints against the Catholic church to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. (church doors acted as bulletin boards). One of Martin Luther's "95 Theses" or complaints was that monks or priests should be able to marry. This event sparked the Protestant Reformation. Martin Luther's observation that priests should be able to marry is the reason why Protestant Pastors can marry today.
In a similar way we have noticed that even though the Bible does not condemn married couples from using moral erotic media in their marriages, many Christian leaders today have forbidden married couples from using moral erotic materials in their marriages. And since the Church leaders teach that it is sin to use moral erotic materials in marriage, this many times pits husbands and wives against each other and causes many arguments in the marriage. And once they disagree on what is permissible in the bedroom, this causes the husbands and wives to pursue their own secret sexual outlets. For example the husband may look at porn and the wife may read romance novels and watch soap operas.
We believe if Christian leaders will be honest about what the Bible teaches and allow married couples to use moral erotic materials in their marriages, this will stop lots of arguing within marriages and give Christian married couples the resources they need to keep their sexual passions for each other strong.
The apostle Paul warned against Christian leaders who would add rules to those that God has given us in the Bible. In 1 Timothy 4 verses 1 to 5, Paul says, "1 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. 2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. 3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. 4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer."
And Jesus also warned against religious leaders who add to the rules in the Bible and burden people down with rules they can not keep themselves. Matthew 23 verse 4 says, "They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden." (NLT)
And then Jesus implies that all the man-made rules turn people into "sons of hell" when Jesus says in Matthew 23 verse 15, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are."
We don't want to be like the Pharisees and teachers of the law that Jesus talks about. We don't want to burden people down with rules that God does not have in the Bible. Why? Because man-made rules tend to destroy other more important areas that God cares about. Take for instance the Jewish custom of "Corban". In Mark 7 verse 11 Jesus condemns the man-made rule of Corban because it indirectly caused people to not take care of their elderly parents.
In our case today, the man-made law of forbidding married couples to use moral erotic materials in their marriages causes married couples to argue and do secret sexual sins and ultimately many times causes divorces. Many times after divorce these same persons lose their belief in God.
And think of the children who many times are emotionally devastated and many times turn away from God because of the divorce of their parents. Jesus said in Matthew 18 verse 6 says, "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." So those who preach man-made laws that end up causing divorces are in serious trouble with God.
Man-made rules make it difficult for people to get saved because people think they will have to live by the rules in order to get saved. God does not want to make it difficult for people to get saved. This is why Jesus said in Matthew 11 verses 28 to 30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
And the elders and Paul did not want to make it difficult for people to get saved either, and so they said in Acts chapter 15 verses 19 and 20, "It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood."